A POLICE officer has told how he endured years of controlling and coercive abuse from his now ex wife in the hope of encouraging other male victims of domestic abuse to seek help.
The 37-year-old from Tameside, who wishes to remain anonymous, suffered years of being belittled, emotionally and financially abused, harassed, spat upon and having his contact with his children restricted.
He has told his story to support Tameside Council’s Open Up campaign, which aims to raise awareness of the support available for male victims of domestic abuse. One in six men experience domestic abuse at some point in their lives but they are far less likely than women to tell anyone or seek help.
He said: “The main focus with domestic abuse is understandably on female victims but this unfortunately overshadows the fact that many men experience domestic abuse too – especially controlling and coercive abuse – to the point where they may not recognise themselves that they are victims.
“I met my ex wife at college and while I can look back now and see warning signs of her impulsive and erratic behaviour and alcohol misuse, but we were young and I explained away a lot of it by thinking young people have fun.
“We got married and had children and as time went on the abuse became more and more regular and apparent. She made horrible comments and threats like “If you were a man…”, I was walking on eggshells all the time, if I didn’t meet her unrealistic expectations she would explode, screaming and spitting, threatening me, calling me names, weaponising the children and making herself out to be the victim. She sometimes would go out drinking and not return home for days but still managed to blame me.
“It was draining but it became normality, and I just got on with it. My main focus was being there for our children. But over time I got more and more miserable and, at first, I thought it was my job in the police making me miserable but I eventually realised it was the toxic environment at home that was the root of my unhappiness and so in 2021 I moved out.”
However, the abuse didn’t end when he left, it escalated – despite him continuing to pay the bills and mortgage at home and do everything he could to parent his children
“She sent abusive and harassing messages, made threats and tried to turn the children against me and restricted my contact with them, which was heartbreaking. She was very manipulative, made false allegations against me to the police, ran up debts in my name while at the same time she was continuing to drink heavily and being neglectful toward the children. But the bias always seems to be towards the mother so everyone kept taking her word over mine and dismissing my concerns. I felt so isolated and was the stage of giving up.”
In the meantime, he had met his current partner, who was trying to support him through the abuse but she noticed he was becoming more and more distant as he internalised his suffering. So, he eventually sought counselling and the counsellor immediately referred him to the Bridges Partnership for domestic abuse support – where he started a support programme with two other men.
“It was really powerful and comforting to be with people who had been through the same. There we were – a police officer, a truck driver and builder and we were all victims of domestic abuse. These were masculine, uber male guys, not the “dweebs” society may expect to be “bullied by a girl”. The programme gave me confidence in myself and also validation as a victim with the authorities.”
The dad now has full custody of this children and, while contact from his ex wife can still be abusive and challenging, he says both he and the children are in a better and more stable situation.
“I chose not to press any criminal charges against my ex as ultimately, she is my children’s mother and I don’t want her to end up in prison or have a criminal record – I want her to be able to work, thrive, support and parent our children.
“The emotional harm the children must have experienced is devastating but they are safe and happy now here with us. They have supervised contact with their mum and overall seem to be doing okay. It’s one step at a time.
“Ultimately, I want other men to know they are not alone, they are not the only ones going through this, they say one in six men experience domestic abuse and that’s just the ones that report it – what about all the others that don’t say anything or don’t even recognise it themselves. I hate the phrase “man up” encouraging men to bottle things up and not get help, it’s insulting, and it doesn’t help any situation to get any better. Please open up and get support.”
